Parenting Note: Learning to Say Goodbye

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Saying Goodbye Properly

On that familiar road in front of my house, I wave to my parents and grandparents, honk the horn, and step on the gas. For the 100th time, they disappear from the rearview mirror as I head to a place far from home.

Goodbyes are so painful, but I’ve grown up. Since bitterness is unavoidable, I might as well savor it slowly. For a long time, I believed I should always say a proper goodbye to those I love.

Quiet Goodbyes Are Also Love

My daughter is one year old. Recently, I’ve been struggling with how to say goodbye to her. When I leave for work, she clings to me. If she sees me putting on my coat or heading toward the door, she starts whimpering and protesting. If I’m holding her, she presses her forehead hard against my chest. Once she’s taken from my arms by her grandma or grandpa, she bursts into tears, loud enough to be heard outside the security door. (In contrast, when I return, she crawls over from a distance to ask for a hug, refuses to let me wash my hands in the bathroom, and kicks her legs in triumph when she succeeds.)

To avoid “teasing” her, her grandma and mom suggest I quietly leave the house or at least make it quick (like forgetting the keys and making her cry twice). I’ve wrestled with this decision many times, over many days. Should I insist on a proper goodbye, or should I sneak away? I don’t want to leave without a word, but I also don’t want her to cry…

Then one day, I remembered a saying:

“When you leave, I won’t see you off; when you come, no matter how strong the wind or heavy the rain, I’ll go to meet you.”

Why not see someone off if you’re reluctant to part? Isn’t it said that we should savor the pain?

A drawn-out goodbye will only make the other person sad; but because you love them, you don’t want them to feel that pain. So you give up the selfish act of saying goodbye and choose to let them leave without a word. It turns out, this is a choice made out of selfless love, to spare the other person from harm.

Now, I make sure to pack everything I need before heading to work, ensuring I don’t have to turn back.

The Final Goodbye

But still, one day I will leave her for good. On that long, winding road, if I don’t say a proper goodbye, I’m afraid I’ll carry regret with me, even in the heavens.

Why not start practicing early? Every weekday morning, practice saying “bye-bye” properly; every time I travel, tell her clearly where I’m going and when I’ll return. Together, we’ll learn to say goodbye to anyone with grace, until it becomes a habit.

So

To spare the other person from sadness, leave with determination, not torment.

And to ensure they feel no regret when parting forever, we must practice in advance, not leave without a word.

Goodbye is also an act of love.